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  • The Anglo Luchador suffered a deep laceration on his left hand thanks to the attack from Hoyt Williams at ReVival 5. Doctors noted that his right hand and feet also developed deep lacerations, although they cannot ascertain why. Sources say that he has passed on Brandon Youngblood’s offer to be in his corner, not because he doesn’t appreciate the help, but because he doesn’t feel it fair to make him divide his attention in advance of his Universal Championship Match. However, he is planning on applying for a manager’s license so he can help even the odds against the eGG Bandits for the main event.
  • Sid Phillips of the local tag team known as the Winds of Change was said to be furious following the airing of their promo on ReV 5, complaining to reporters that they didn’t air the “actual” promo that they filmed for Survivor, and instead aired “whatever dumb crap Joe sent them”. According to Phillips, the unused promo was five minutes of the two of them “sounding like competent wrestlers who know what they’re doing instead of looking like two dorks in a McDonalds”. Mr. Phillips was then corrected by PRIME and MGM Grand management not to specifically namedrop McDonalds, as a promotional deal hadn’t yet been made with the megachain. Phillips then made loud, agitated, incomprehensible noises in the guise of asking why they aired what they did in the first place, and then stormed off muttering something about powerbombs and his tag team partner as he did.

When asked for comment, Joe Fontaine shrugged and said, “Yeah, I don’t know why he was so upset. Personally, my Tempest claw swipes were way more dope in the McDonalds promo than that other one we filmed. Weren’t they?”

He then asked “weren’t they?” another six times before a nervous reporter finally humored him and agreed with his assessment.

  • Timo Bolamba spent several hours with the production team after the main event looking at every possible angle to make sure he had made the right call in the main event. After being told at least seven times that you cannot “enhance the frame like in Super Troopers”, he determined that the call is correct.
  • Roderick McRatrick has been permanently banned from the MGM Grand. No reason was given, but Lindsay Troy was heard muttering, “no reason SHOULD be given.”
  • Kenny Freeman sent out a tweet congratulating PRIME on a successful fifth edition of ReVival, while also lamenting the fact that someone’s “SIGN KENNY FREEMAN, YOU COWARDS” sign was removed from the crowd. Inside sources reported that no such sign was present at the MGM Grand, because no one knows who Kenny Freeman is.
  • A production assistant identified as Mark Lemon was twice seen removing the mannequin known as El Hijo Del Super Cool Guy from trash receptacles in and around the backstage area during the events of ReVival 5. PRIME has learned that a request was made to the facilities department at the MGM Grand for a roll of gaffer’s tape and a container of 2-part epoxy, but has not yet been able to verify whether these incidents are related.
  • Reports are in that following Teddy Palmer’s loss, he was presented with a gift-wrapped dessert as a sympathy gesture. Although the “You Lost” spelled out in frosting wasn’t too pleasing, Palmer helped himself to a big bite of the Funfetti cake, only to immediately vomit it back up, revealing that it was not frosting but Miracle Whip. A card was then discovered with a heart and the initials “KC” written on it.
  • “Can’t believe we signed Kendra Lust. Vegas baby!” – Bobby Dean
    “Oh.” – Bobby Dean, after finding out Kendra Lust was in fact Zeb’s old homecoming date and half sister, Kendra Dogcollier.
  • Anna Daniels has been fined $10,000 for punting a PRIME cameraman in the head on ReVival 5. When asked for comment, Lindsay Troy replied, “Anna should be punting her fellow roster members and not members of my staff and crew. I know from experience that Shanahan and Bathory make lovely targets.”
  • Interviewers attempted to speak with FLAMBERGE following his defeat at ReVival 5, but were reportedly uncomfortable approaching him amidst the absurdly loud French ranting and raving coming from Henri Lavigne in the locker room. Mr. Darby did step out, but rather than answering any questions, he gave a short statement.

“FLAMBERGE was unjustly maligned in his debut match. We all saw the blatant cheating that took place, and I have a meeting scheduled with Lindsay Troy to express our team’s dissatisfaction with the officiating we have thus far experienced. The Lavignes would like to express that anyone who attempts such malfeasance in the future will be met with severe consequences, in one form or another.”

  • Thanks to the jersey raffle and a number of unrelated donations, the Fighting For Nora Foundation recorded a record night of fundraising the night of ReVival 5. Foundation chairperson Shweta Kallemullah gave a statement: “The Ray family is blown away by the generosity of PRIME and the people of Las Vegas. Nora has been engaged in the fight of her life, so to see this much support is incredibly rewarding. On a less positive note, the Foundation is disturbed to see the numerous rumors questioning the validity of the Foundation. Doubters are invited to visit the ‘Info’ section of the Foundation’s website to see our documentation.”
  • Rumor has it that a lockbox with $10,000 inside has been rubber cemented right in front of Lindsay Troy’s office door. It is said to come with an note stating “Fiiiiiine, we’ll play it your way.” and a rough facsimile of the eyeroll emoji. Another lockbox has gotten the same treatment being stuck in front of a Brad Garrett cardboard cutout near Fighting For Nora’s donation jar with that message reading “if this is legit, cool. If it’s not, launder responsibly.”

No comments could be given by Anna Daniels mainly because she kept Super Mario stomping all our reporter drones. Those that did get close reveal a chorus of laughter at the end of the semi-main event, polite applause at the end of the main, and even more laughter at the reveal of the Culture Shock card. What any of that may mean is anybody’s guess.

  • Cancer Jiles received a handful of stitches after battling Teddy Palmer. None were close to his hairline so as he put it, “crisis averted”. He then passed out in the comforting arms of Robert Dean.

When asked about the botched mist spot: “It’s like Doozer now.”

In regard to the loaded boot: “No idea what you’re talking about.”

On if he put any money in Hoyt’s prayer basket: “Bobby wants his autograph so I put a dollar in there for him to sign.”

On if Teddy Palmer is still sleeping it off in the center of the ring: “Yes.”

Also of note, all three Bandits were overheard pondering how a Blueberry Omelette would taste. Turns out Doozer was bullied by a mannequin at a young age which explains him almost being pinned by one.

  • Both Muriel Puddings and Garbage Bag Johnny were indeed sighted at the Silver Legacy’s World Famous Potato Bar for lunch. And apparently dinner and breakfast, as Johnny had made good on his promise to bring $140 in cash, which Muriel immediately used to book a room at the modest Reno hotel and casino.

Tapioca Puddings was seen being shoved into the trunk of a Mazda Miata by his mother Karen, followed by several pieces of luggage. There was someone waiting for her in the driver’s seat and it was not clear as to who it was, but other employees of PRIME were quick to mention that Matt Mills was the only one they know who owned such an awful vehicle like that. The car was shortly thereafter seen parked at a local CVS, allegedly due to Karen’s need for some “pipe cleaner.”

  • Melvin Beauregard was overheard being concerned about El Hijo Del Super Cool Guy’s ability to show up to serve drinks as scheduled on Thursday at the MGM Pool area. Melvin did have a comment for “Due to El Hijo Del Super Cool Guy’s recent decapitation we are unsure of his ability to serve our customers adequately at the pool area. Our backup plan was to get an El Hijo Del Super Cool Guy impersonator. Sadly, Nathan Filmix wasn’t available to serve drinks to our customers. We are unsure on how we will proceed.”

Rumors are also flying that a partnership with a international chain store to partner and sponsor the Intense Title Division in PRIME is on the brink of being finalized. When asked for comment on the issue, Melvin Beauregard ate a Reese’s cup and threw the wrapper on the floor.

  • Rumors of a surprise drug test turned out to be both true and false. While official staff were backstage for the majority of the day and evening, evidently the tests were canceled after a trip to Calico Rose and her dessert bar.
  • Officials for both PRIME and the MGM Grand were stunned to learn that the surprise drug test for King Blueberry (real name Jared Sykes) returned with pristine results. The United States Anti-Doping Agency (USADA) has opened an investigation into the results submitted by El Hijo del Super Cool Guy.
  • When asked for comments on his first, very unorthodox, match after being injured in the first round of the Almasy Invitational, Doozer sternly said, “No” then disappeared. The reporter does, however, claim that he heard a whisper from the poof of smoke, “And no, I didn’t get bullied by a fucking mannequin.”
  • Dusk was stopped on his way out of the MGM Grand Arena and asked about his use of Kanye West as his entrance music. Dusk’s entrance music has been “Stronger” by Kanye West since debuting in PRIME two decades ago, but with the recent news about Kanye, some fans are wondering if Dusk should change his music. When asked about it, Dusk had this to say:

“Yeah, I’ve just become aware of the situation recently between Kanye and his ex-wife. Not usually up on the pop culture scene. I definitely intend to stop using the song and finding something else that resonates with both the fans and who Dusk is to them. I hope to have an update for Culture Shock.”

When asked if he was surprised if he would be facing Tapioca Puddings in the opening match at Culture Shock, Dusk had this to say.

“Yeah, definitely surprised. I thought after Hayes Hanlon got the victory in our 5-Star Scramble that I would be at home for the show. So changing gears on my mindset and getting ready for him over the next few weeks will be crucial. I’ll be ready and looking forward to the match.”

  • When asked about Dusk changing his entrance theme to something other than Kanye West, Lindsay Troy said, “Miracles do happen.”


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The owner of the Sanctioned Violence Organization

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